what happens in the end?

how will things turn out for me in the end? as in the future.

Many times I find myself discussion issues in a righteous manner, as if everything I do, I do it with integrity. 自以为清高，sigh 有多了不起啊..

i will say my biggest fear is this part of me disappear one day. what if one day i turn into a totally different person from how i see myself today. what if one day i become the kind of person i detest the most, doing things that i look down upon now.

sometimes some events cause people to change their perception in life.. coz the world is so complex.. humans are so complex.. many times your fairy tale may well be just an ideal, but will never be a true story. sadly.

what i fear next is that the things that i am good at become the things that will kill me. be it literally killed or figuratively.. say for example, i feel that im quite good at driving, but what i fear is one day my downfall will also be at driving, as in i fear that i may die in a car accident.

same as what im saying above, the kind of ideals that i have in life, may just be the things that destroy my whole life.

for example - i feel that im such a good person because of this this that that, and i will do this this that that instead of those those.. therefore i have lots of expectations for myself and to the people around me.. i tell myself that i have to be with the person who is made for me, and she has to be this this that that.. all the criteria.. BUT

what happen in the end? I may not even get the girl of my dreams, instead settle for someone who i dont love so much.. marry her and lead a life far away from what i imagined to be.. OR also be prepared that i will NEVER meet this girl i describe, and therefore die a lonely old man who never found anyone suitable.

see.. thinking can lead to actions and therefore change a person's life.

actually come to think about it.. which is more pathetic? marrying someone you don't love that much, or never getting there? I feel that the former is more pitiful.. imagine not treating your spouse well, take her for granted, keep thinking about other girls when you're with her, get sick of her and hence want to "try new dish" be it from china vietnam or worst still geylang. drinking your sorrows away every night, hoping that it's all a dream and can't wait for it to end soon- therefore the faster you drink, the less you feel, the faster your day end.

pathetic? i sure do think so. but then again look what im doing here, trying to be 清高 again, like some fucking pure fella, acting like an angel. what will i say if such shit that i describe happen to be my future life? pathetic. but of coz i hope it wont happen, coz i know that life can be a bitch sometimes, twisting and twining, turning the tables 180deg, just to let me taste the things i'm bitching about.

end of the day, what am i afraid of? Losing my identity, and also afraid that my ideals in life backfire at me.

wha..wha.. what? what is there to worry, man? how can one live life while worrying about it at the same time? or maybe such worries and fears are just redundant. Am I still making sense? I hope so, will think about it soon.. time to slp. Good Morning.