think

I'm so frustrated, helpless, self-blaming, worried, sad, yet yearning, hoping. At the same time trying to let go, giving my best wishes. However, I understand that it's all a dream.

Will there be a day where the right light is finally gonna shine on me, to let me see, whatever the answer is, how everything is going to turn out to be, what will become of me.

My pride, my arrogance, my hatred, my love, my compassion, my intellect, my short-sight, my usefulness, my uselessness, my helplessness, my grieve, my helpfulness, my desire, my actions, my words, my presence, myself.. do they exist. Or rather are they where they are supposed to be.

I'm thinking about the mistakes I made in my life, do I regret? sure I do. But there are a lot of questions, what-ifs that cannot fully make is a complete regret. For that I yearn.

I always like to wait for opportunity, the right timing is everything. but some things just don't come, and for that I suffer seeing the changes around me while constantly waiting, hoping.

Why then do I not create opportunity? Some things just have to wait. It may never reach my turn. For that, I can only dream.

But when the time comes, where everything is clear, will I break down? will I stand tall. stand tall on a rock at the top of a mountain, looking far into the beautiful bright blue sky, not a bird in sight, no one by my side. Have I failed, have I succeeded, what's my perception? What do I want?

Is it as easy as que sera sera? whatever will be will be, is so comforting, yet making one feel anxious about the future.

The future is in our hands, or is it? Is our fate determined? Kills me to think of such things, wondering about the complexities of life, I should go back to reality.