let go

one night i couldnt take the stress for the information overload due to the final exams, and felt the pressure. real pressure, no joke. it's pressing against my chest, i can FEEL it.

i lied on my bed, spent 1.5hrs doing self reflection and came up with sth to ease my pain.

though i have been freaking busy when school start, i cant seem to catch up. on and on i go with the assignments, the tutorials and labs. but it all just don't seem to pay off.

i will just have to accept that there's a difference - same effort but different results.

which brought be back to the purpose of having exams. i was too focused on the grades. i was thinking, how am i gonna pass? how am i gonna pass... but what's the point? it's actually how much i learnt in these few months being put to the test. if i fail, means i've learnt shit.

if that's the case, i should look into why shit has happened, things definitely need change. a lot in fact. there will be options, rou.

i'm facing my life's greatest crisis so far, never before experienced. i need help, i'll apply for counceling 1st, oh it's scheduled this wednesday. next, comes options that i need to choose. it can be cruel, to the point that i'll call in a day after the 1st sem.

i may be very pessimistic now, but it's my greatest failure so far, so bear with me.

i have 2 papers tomorrow. of which one weighs 80%, the other weighs 40%, and i know nuts about them. didnt bother to try to read up, coz it's MATH and programming. will it help if i try to understand the comcept and be able to do some simple examples now? to think about it, NO~! coz it seems like those qns are set to kill, if the understanding is not there, there's no way to apply.

so in other words, do or not, im done for. but understanding this fact took off some pressure i initially felt. told my parents not to expect anything at this point of time.

no doubt i feel useless. but it really shows that i havent been learning much thing. ought to be ashamed. nevertheless, i hope to have a fresh start, and hope things will work out fine SOON.